Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 13

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.

Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."

You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?

What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.