Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 13

She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!

Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian, talentless slut decade!

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.