Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 13
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
The eleventh commandment... Uh let me see, you fuck the kid, get the fuck out. And you can put the "thou shalt..." wherever you think it goes.
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.
Couldn't we have just sent Saddam a mad cow burger and a Paxil and been done with it in, like, '03?
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!