Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 15
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?'
You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.
Life, is easy. And if someone is ripping your ass, maybe they're just trying to push you. To the peak of your ability. Until, one day, you reach a level that even you didn't think you were capable of. Stick around those people. 'cos, sometimes, when you think someone's screwing you, they're helping you. And then sometimes, they're just screwing you. Little bastard.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.
We come into this world totally defenseless. A bundle of soft, toothless cartilage that can't roll over, focus, or hold in it's own spit. Then, while you're lying there all helpless some doctor walks in and chops off the end of your penis. Who's a happy baby? Who is? Yes, you are.
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.
I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
If you're already so low on the parental totem pole, skill-wise, that you're letting your child scream "frickin'" in a public place... just let 'em say "fuck." He's already going to prison. Don't make him a bottom-bunk, too.
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!