Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 14
I have to warn you about tonight's show. Tonight's show will fix your relationship or destroy it. And either way, you're welcome.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, "You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail." Loser.
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
Life, is easy. And if someone is ripping your ass, maybe they're just trying to push you. To the peak of your ability. Until, one day, you reach a level that even you didn't think you were capable of. Stick around those people. 'cos, sometimes, when you think someone's screwing you, they're helping you. And then sometimes, they're just screwing you. Little bastard.
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.