Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 14
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!
What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'
Life, is easy. And if someone is ripping your ass, maybe they're just trying to push you. To the peak of your ability. Until, one day, you reach a level that even you didn't think you were capable of. Stick around those people. 'cos, sometimes, when you think someone's screwing you, they're helping you. And then sometimes, they're just screwing you. Little bastard.
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!