Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 6
There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.
Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And a giant spike in the suicide rate. My father had all the christmas joy sucked out of him by his cruel, vindictive mother because his drunken partying father sucked all the christmas joy out of her. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Everyone has an enemy. It’s why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
I know pushing out babies is hard. But on September 11, I panicked and tried to push one back.
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should. But they always work out. I'm thankful that the world's in perfect harmony at all times. Pilgrims had it tough. But now, we live in the strongest, most prosperous country in the world. And the Indians, well, you know.
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"
Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"
This country you’re sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn’t earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you’re in this room right now and you’re successful… you didn’t get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you’re a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.