Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 7

The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.

Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses - did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... Moo!"

I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"

By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.

Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?

Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"

Your father loves you. But, he doesn't like you. His job is to tell you you suck and are worthless so that when you get out there on your own you don't end up sucking worthlessly. He makes you a better man so that one day you will have the strength and character to stand up to him. And give him the finger. But just pray on that day he doesn't have the strength and character to break that finger off. Ow. I thought he was sleeping.