Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 7
Look at that! It's a park, and there's a white guy and a black guy and an Asian guy and a Latino guy. And that guy, he's Canadian - don't worry about him, they never affect the world much at all.
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"
A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?
We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.
Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
I say a twenty-two year window 'cause you wanna make sure the kid can handle his alcohol. You know, he's a great kid 'till his 21st birthday, gets drunk, punches Grandma and everyone's like "Ohhhh! Adam! You were this close! We are gonna miss you!"
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.