Quotes & Jokes by Christopher Titus / page 8
Good evening, black people. First of all, may I say you're right. You do dance better than us. But on the other hand, I, also, love chicken.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people do too. Oh, we made the cover. But any press is good press. Right ? As long as they spell your name right. So now the whole world is gonna read about... Tatus High Performance. Tatus. Great.
Girls mature faster than boys. Yeah, a chick came up with that.
My mum was crazy. And when you're the child of a mentally ill person you spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Living in fear that you also might be mentally ill. And the only way to defeat that fear, is to face it head on. Now, the opposite of fear is not courage. It's faith. You got to have faith that you will never end up like your parents. You also got to have faith that you will kick that crazy Korean kids ass in the day room ping pong show down. That's right, Kim Cho. Bring it on, I got something for you. Okay. Okay. One, nothing. Kim is out of his mind, but he is really good.
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, "I don't want to cut the lawn." Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.