Dana Carvey Quotes and Jokes


You cannot pee in a Mr. Coffee and get Taster's Choice.

Wouldn't be prudent. Not gonna do it'.

A long time ago there was a lot of people... but that was a long time ago.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

Now... just wait a minute. Did I start talking Portuguese up here and not realize it?

So I was just sitting on my porch, just minding my own business, and this dog come up to me an says 'Hey, ain't you Ross Perot?' Well, I just about dropped a load. And you all know who the prime authority on talking dogs is? The Republican Party. I rest my case.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, ''Well, we sure can't spank him.''

My characters all start with rhythms and sounds. Once I hear the voice and get into the rhythm, the attitude and the physicality just come out on their own.

I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.

I can tell you now what I couldn't tell the studio then: Purely in case the movie was like a monster smash, I would have gotten too recognized.

This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...

I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.