Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 2
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
If you encounter someone who pronounces the "t" in "often", odds are they're a douchebag.
Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.