Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 2

294 quotes

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Common sense dictates the term "hot fudge sundae" has a totally different meaning in prison.

Water parks provide a wonderful opportunity to meet new people and then soak in their pee.

Is that a cat?!? It looks like a toaster cozy.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it’s the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?