Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 3
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward...
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.