Quotes & Jokes by Dana Gould / page 3

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Some men see things as they are and ask why. I dream things that never were, get distracted, then go out for pancakes.

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

Suspicious Suicide Note: "Dear world, you're probably wondering why I tied my hands behind my back and sawed my head off..."

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, "By the way, you know I'm fake, right?"

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.