Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 19

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

Are there glass shards in my anus?

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

I’m not giving up on life. I’m giving up on today.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.