Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 18

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I get so into the moment.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

You are the director of your own life story. Don’t cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.