Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 18

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

I'd like to have some kids. I wanna have like nineteen kids. I think naming then, that's going to be fun. What ever the names you come up with that's exciting right there. You get to both decide. It's like a little game. I already have names picked out, first kid boy or girl I don't even know, the first one that comes out I'm naming him Hrrrrrrrr. I think it's beautiful, it's feminine but it's strong at the same time. Time for bed Hrrrrrrrr... I said time for bed HRRRRRRRR! No cookies HRRRRRRRR! Typical Hrrrrrrrr! Daddies on the phone Hrrrrrrrr. Daddies on the phone. I'm gonna name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoon, I'm gonna name a bunch of them after Transformers. That'd be great. You'd be like Optimus Prime come here for a second. You sit next to Megatron we're gonna have a chat right here. I am the Cobra commander ...HRRRRRRRR, I said no cookies! This fucking HRRRRRRRR is driving me up the fucking wall! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Are there glass shards in my anus?

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.