Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 5

I had to sneak into my living room, and we had hardwood floors. Those floors suck for cheating because every step you take just taunts you. You know, every step you're like, 'Cheeeeater!' 'Liar!' 'Herpes, herpes, herpes!'

I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."

You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Cause once someone says "fuck you," there's no comeback. 'Fuck you!' "Fuck me? Yeah, that's right, fuck me."

Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.