Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 5
Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!'
I've always wanted to uppercut a punkass and send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.
I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"
You have to hold your hand out, cuz the steam makes you angry. Try to bring your hand in, "ooh! I hate steam! Whoever invented steam sucks!"
I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.
Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"
I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, "Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground."
Cause once someone says "fuck you," there's no comeback. 'Fuck you!' "Fuck me? Yeah, that's right, fuck me."
Dude i know what you mean with the jelly, tell this twat to get some fucking jelly.
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
I appreciate the fact that Obama is the 'tech President'. I kinda like that, isn't that kinda cool? You see him, he's on his Blackberry. I'm like 'Is he playing BrickBreaker right now?'. He does like YouTube updates. Doesn't that have to be cool? Like you log in to your Myspace in the middle of the night and 'Oh fuck, Obama's on'. You can write to him 'Obama, what are you doing?'. 'Oh, I just downloaded that video of the kid shooting himself in the nipple with the paintball gun. You gotta see that. And I'm working on some legislation too'. 'Oh, good stuff. Obama, you on Facebook?'. 'Na, I got poked by a zombie and the Secret Service took me outta there, so...'.