Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 6

You have the honesty of Abraham Lincoln and all the charm of the man who shot him.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass "I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!"

When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

Any guy that refers to dating women as "the hunt" or being "on the prowl" should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

People at home, you having some drinks? Having some drinkies? Or are you booting black tar heroin? Lose the habit!

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest... when they start to bleed go, "I guess not".

I say “God bless you” when somebody sneezes. I don’t say “bless you.” I don’t say that because I’m not the Lord. I can’t do that.

On the wall someone always has to write, “Mike was here” but someone draws an arrow and writes "Mike is a faggot." Like Mike is coming back to check it out. "What the fuck is this? I was here but not as a faggot! I’m trying to make a statement here!"