I heart abortion. Where’s the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won’t be a normal heart. It’ll be a dead infant heart. Y’know what the back will say? Problem Solved.


I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.


Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.


I have a five-gallon jar at my house I like to fill with change. I don't stop 'til I reach tip-top and that little bell goes off, and I know Cargo Pant Day is here at last, and I dance. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt - extra tight because I don't want to have an embarrassing situation on such a great day - and I fill up all the pockets with the change. Then I get a car alarm - not a car alarm with a car, just a car alarm - and I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, 'Hey, you got any spare change?' Then, I set the car alarm off: 'You hit the jackpot, mofo!'

Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.


Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...


I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance - fake.


No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

A lot of times people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I've never had that complaint and I think it's because I never want to go anywhere, so I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That's just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending I don't want to kill myself. She'll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, 'Oh my goodness, you were so patient.' And I'll be like, 'For what? You look disgusting.' Now she's crying, whatever, I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. It's not like she's going to break up with me; she's 10 years younger, she's one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that, I have a television show.


Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.


Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.


Pepper spray is a woman’s go-to weapon of choice, it even comes in different strengths in case you’re only semi-serious about not getting raped. If you were truly nervous about your safety, you’d carry a gun, not a spice. Bullets travel a lot faster than mist. What predator’s gonna wait while you rummage through your purse to find a tube of Tabasco sauce? You can’t even find your phone in there when it’s ringing and vibrating. Nothing’s more embarrassing than being the girl who always has pepper spray but never has to use it. May as well leave your weapons at home cause the cat knitted on your sweater does the job just fine.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.