Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 4

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I went to a sex store, and i was drunk. Never do that. I took one of those strap-on dildos, I put it on my head and started chasing people like a rhino. Oh, God. Oh my God! Everyone was laughing, except for the guy in the kilt. I don’t know what happened, but i’m sorry.

That was funny, yet sad. Kind of like getting tit-fucked by a clown.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. "One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother."

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

Have you seen that magazine "Barely Legal"? That means when you look at it, you're "almost" a pedophile.

Ever wrestle your dog 'til you cum?

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."