Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 5
Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. "Oh look, oh look there's still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you've got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children."
Your parents want you to go to college because while you're away at college, they're fucking on your bed.
It's because of men like you that women like that fuck guys like me.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cuz goin' to outer space - that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
Ladies, is it really the size of a man's penis that matters? Is it? (some girls cheer) Well, the whores have spoken. Some woman say yes, some women say "no, it's how he uses his penis." How he uses it? What is this man doing with his magical penis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? "A gazebo, how did that get in here?!" "Don't thank me." What if a man doesn't have a penis, but three balls, and one of them lights up and plays a tune? Does he ever get laid?! DO YOU FUCK HIM FOR THE STORY?!
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.