Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 5
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awww, look at it... like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
I went to see the shuttle go up. There was nobody there; I was the only guy there. Everybody was at NASCAR. Who's your favorite astronaut? If you could only fuck one astronaut, who would it be? Mission specialist Blabadahdah? But NASCAR, now that's something different. 'Cuz goin' to outer space - that's for nerds. But driving quickly in a circle... hmm, who isn't wet?
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.