Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 6
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.