Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 6
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!