Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 6
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.