Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 6

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.

The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

If that man's straight, then I am sober.

The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”