Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 6
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch "Jeopardy!" with the sound off and make up my own questions.
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. "D-D-D-Dave Dave." What? "K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa…" Write it down!
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
The balls are the posse of the penis. While the penis is inside you, making you happy, the balls are outside working security. It's a velvet rope situation. No one can get in now. Finger, not tonight. There's another club around the block, it's a little dirty, but I think you can squeeze in.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.