Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.