Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8

135 quotes

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!

You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

The best you can do is just roll over and let it drip out.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.