Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

I never wanted to be famous.

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

The best you can do is just roll over and let it drip out.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.