Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 8
You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.
Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.