Quotes & Jokes by Dave Attell / page 9
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother… that's all they need.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.