Quotes & Jokes by David Mitchell

I’m just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.

[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!

I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.

I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.

There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

Fish don't blink. Which is the main eye defence. If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks... it may be a lion.

I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'

Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.

Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.

No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.