David Spade Quotes and Jokes

97 quotes

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.

But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!

It wasn't a cutdown to call someone a Mexican. It would kill my career to refer to someone as Mexican today. It's like calling me an American.

Life's a garden, dig it.