Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 2

I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no. They want to touch you. If someone asks you if you're ticklish and you do not want to be touched, say something like 'I have diarrhea. And yes, I am very ticklish.'

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. 'What are these?' 'Those are orange: oranges.' 'What about these?' 'Oh, shit. Long pointies? We'll go by shape now?'

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘"That is cool".’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "‘That is not cool"’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”

I went into this salon in New York and I said “can I get a trim?” But it must have come out “gay Beatle please."

When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

The "earth" without "art" is just "eh."

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.