Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 3

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time, but I don’t really want to see it again. Especially if the movie was kind of… a bitch.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'

I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’

I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

Cinnamon buns, now - those are something I'd want to buy and have as a nickname. "Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am."

I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.