Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 3
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.
I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic yet beautiful. Apparently the lead got a cramp and they were pretty hardcore.
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
I feel like my washing machine is sneaky because I put clothes in there and detergent and start it up. I hear all this noise as it’s turning around, then I open the lid to see what was going on and it’s like... "What man? We’re just hanging out in here. There’s nothing happening? Don’t worry about it. I’m a washing machine, not a show you how I do it machine."
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"
Cinnamon buns, now - those are something I'd want to buy and have as a nickname. "Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am."