Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

People only have so much attention.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.