Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

People only have so much attention.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.