Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

People only have so much attention.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.