Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 33

To me, comedy is a game.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.

To wish upon a star, but from a safe enough distance to avoid being incinerated.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I don’t think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they’re the most direct, non-figurative words, like, ‘I like you, I like you,’… and that’s it, for the whole song. People would go, ‘Ooh, this guy’s Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

People only have so much attention.