Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

To me, comedy is a game.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.