Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32
I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.
After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.
I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.