Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

To me, comedy is a game.

I wish rabbits had big earlobes.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.