Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

To me, comedy is a game.

Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy - location, location, location.

I call it ‘new forms’. When you’re starting out, they ask you to do four or five minute sets, but once you’re a headliner, you do like 90 minutes. I try to think of different things to divvy up the show, like doing drawings, playing music… I gotta carry the show, that’s the problem.