Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.

I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.

To me, comedy is a game.

Vampire fad just won’t die. Makes sense, I guess.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.