Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 32

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I was thinking how strange it is that water is one of the best, simplest things on this planet, and still with a simple glass of water you can neutralize so many of the greatest technological advances that we provide. Like with my blackberry, I can get in touch with so many people, but if I dip it in a small glass of water I’m completely disconnected.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

To me, comedy is a game.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.