Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 7
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'
Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."
There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.
I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.
I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!
Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".
I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'
There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.
I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.