Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 7

I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I like people watching… Mostly this one woman.

Why are there not positive mysteries? It’s always "who stole the diamond", or "who killed the butler"? How about... "who made cookies", "somebody cleaned my room".

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird shit all over them.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'

I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!

Cakes are the only food we write on. It’s always so encouraging like “Happy Birthday Leo,” “Congratulations Eric.” I feel like we’re missing an opportunity. I’m talking about negative cakes - “Surprise, You’re Adopted.” Cause that’s when you want cake.

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."