Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 8

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.