Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 8

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I was like, ‘That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they’re crappy kids.’

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.'

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.

Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."