Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 8

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics." "Oh yeah, that's cool, I wanna watch the fat guy." "Come on dude, you can take that hill."

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

You can say ‘Thanks,’ and you can say ‘Thanks a Million’ - but any number in between?..

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks grey?

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things; I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. 'Subaru - reluctant sponsor of the WNBA.'

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.

I’ve met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I’ve never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. "I don’t want tacos! Maybe."

I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals.

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.