Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 2
You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like "Home Improvement"? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It's your life; live it on your terms.
I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.
(Referring to the Muslim concept of achieving 72 virgins upon arrival in heaven) The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'