Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 3
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: 'Hey you stinking fat Russian, get off my Ford Escort.'
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athletes.
The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
"What would Jesus drive?" I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. "See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone."
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
Technology is fine, but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.
The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.