Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 5

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.