Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 5
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.
Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.