Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 5

I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.