Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 5
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.