Quotes & Jokes by Dennis Miller / page 4

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.

NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

The stream-of-consciousness style is my monkey trick. I sit there, I watch stuff, and cultural references bump into my head.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?