Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 2

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?