Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 2

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!