Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 3
Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.
Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?
Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.
Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.