Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 3

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

You exaggerate your own reactions.

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!

The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.