Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 4

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

You look like a horse in a man costume

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.