Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 4

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

You look like a horse in a man costume

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.