Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 4

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

You look like a horse in a man costume

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.