Quotes & Jokes by Dylan Moran / page 4

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

Now if I walk past a group of youths I find myself holding my keys in my pocket, then I find myself putting each key in between my clenched fist, so if I have to hit him I'll fucking kill him.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

On the song 'Funk Soul Brother': "If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls."

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

To a heckler: "I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight."