Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 13

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, "Yeah, I suppose so."

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death – lunch – death, death, death – afternoon tea – death, death, death – quick shower …' "

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18[gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You"

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"

Of course, I couldn't tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They's kill me with sticks. "Why are we killing him with sticks?" "I don't know... he said a word we didn't understand... and he won at Scrabble with it..."

What exactly is an evil giraffe?

It's the cutting edge of politics in a very extraordinarily boring way!

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And monkeys do too… if they have a gun.

If you’re a transvestite, you’re actually a male tomboy. That’s where the sexuality is… So it’s running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you’re up there.

My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper. I want to follow in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this. (Runs screaming) AAAAAAAH! I'm covered in beeeeees!