Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 12

But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going - "er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. "I can't even see you! Where are you?"

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

Britain should be in the driving seat of Europe. In the driver's seat, or in the passenger seat. That's good, cuz then you can take a sleep.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

But in the Olympics, in the last Olympics, we, Britain, didn't do very well, got no gold medals at all, which pissed me off. But we're setting up a British Olympics, where each and every event is a British event, like the British hundred metres: "Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me… I think I was here first!" We should win that.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

It's a historical thing, up to the 19th century the English hated the French. Then in the 20th century the English started to hate the Germans - as we began to move alphabetically through the map of the world. Now, the year 2000, we are fine with the Germans… but the Hungarians are pissing us off.

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.