Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 5

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.

You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!

At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”