Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 5
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…
Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.
And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”