Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 5

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.

It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

So … uh … I'd better explain the tits. Um … didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum … even though I asked.

Poetry is very similar to music, only less notes and more words.

Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!

You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist! “I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?” “Fido looks a bit weird.”