Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 5
Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?
The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”
You say 'erbs', and we say 'herbs', because there's a fucking 'H' in it!
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Cable cars are fun - everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey.
I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.
There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.
I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!
It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.
It’s a secret, religious, weird, ceremonial rite of passage for girls that women know. Hopscotch, it was bizarre for boys, ‘cause they never played it, and as a boy, I was behind walls, going, “What- what happened? What did they do? What do they do here?” And they had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5… 7, 8, you know… A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope…
So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.