Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 6

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."

My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.

It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.

You know, if a woman falls over wearing heels, that's embarrassing, but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself. It's the end of your life. Its quite difficult.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead!

If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.

I was very driven as a boy scout. Very driven. Driven everywhere I was.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.