Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 8
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'
It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, French for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"
A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!