Quotes & Jokes by Eddie Izzard / page 9

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

Socrates was killed… by his own people. He was! Coz he questioned everything… ‘When is a house a house?’ ‘Just chill-out will you?’ ‘If I’m out of the house am I chilling-out? Am I chilling-in if I’m in the house? Ugg, ahhh.’ ‘What is a sword? Is it made of folded metal?' 'If I die on the floor can I get up in these heels?’

And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …

Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”

I'm a one-man idiot.

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.