Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.
There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’
There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I understand if you want to stay home and watch me on YouTube, but it’s like incest - you’re putting convenience over quality.
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'