Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.