Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.