Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'