Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 15
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!