Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

There’s a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin’s theory of evolution - ‘Why didn’t I think of that?’

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

There’s only one joke that I do in England that doesn’t work in the States. It goes: ‘There was no place to eat last night, so I went to a kebab shop and had a doner. Which my body rejected.’ But you don’t get doners in America. They don’t exist.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.