Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ’Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...
Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
Writer’s block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
But don't you hate it, guys? You're at the beach and there's no place to change into your trunks. So you wrap a towel around yourself, so no-one sees your face.