Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 14

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Once I posed naked for a magazine, but it was very demeaning, and I've never been back to that newsstand.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I don’t really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I’ve been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn’t call that hanging out.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Last year, I donated $10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not... voluntarily...

My friend said to me, "You're unreal - you'd fuck anything with a pulse!" A pulse? I'm not that fussy!

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ... and I got it!