Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 2
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.