Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 2

I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Ambiguity - the Devil’s volleyball.

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

The other night a homeless man was going through my garbage. Now I hate to see a human being going through someone’s garbage, so I made him a real nice racoon costume.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I was sent to the principal's office for copying...they heard my Minolta running. The principal said 'Emo, Emo, Emo.' I said 'I'm the one in the middle, you lousy drunk!' He said, "do you know I could have you expelled?' I said 'yes, but you'll have to eat me first.'

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.