Quotes & Jokes by Emo Philips / page 3
I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know... I should have heard them hiding.
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She’ll be in front of everyone with her um… breast… out feeding it. You know… cereal or whatever.
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much, sir!"