Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman / page 2

91 quotes

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child. 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap.'

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

I saw that Linens 'N Things was going out of business. I know. My first thought was, 'Should have been more specific.'

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

There was one woman who had a giant sign and on it, it just said, 'America Is Better Than Abortion.' I think she meant that America was too good a place for the horror of abortion. But instead, it sounded like she had weighed both - the American spirit and getting an abortion and decided that American spirit better. I think it is a bad idea to have grammatically ambiguous protest signs.

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

You tried to kiss me. I know you have $40. Thank you all so very, very, very much. You are the best! Thank you!. We did it, team. We did it. Good night, America. Good night, San Francisco. Good night, foreign countries with distribution from Comedy Central. I will now leave energetically to match your energy!

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.