Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman / page 3

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

For a short period of time, I was like, "I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them." And then eventually, I was like, "Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' and then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.