Quotes & Jokes by Eugene Mirman / page 4
If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"
It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, "I am bike cheese." Because you wouldn’t know what words were.
Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.
Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.
Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.