If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
That's a good time to sneak, four in the morning, 'cause anyone you run into, they're sneaking too.
Being your own man does not mean taking advantage of anyone else.
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
Funny is an attitude.
If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.
With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.
Violence is a tool of the ignorant.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.
Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.
Most drag impersonations are a drag. But everyone can like Geraldine. The secret of my success with Geraldine is that she's not a put-down of women. She's smart, she's trustful, she's loyal, she's sassy. Most drag impersonations are a drag. But women can like Geraldine, men can like Geraldine, everyone can like Geraldine.
It takes 15,000 nuts to hold a car together, but only one to spread it all over the highway.
What you see is what you get.
The devil made me do it.
My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?
My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.
It's later than it's ever been.
It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.
I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.