Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson / page 2
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.