Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson / page 2
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.