Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson / page 3
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.