Quotes & Jokes by Frank Carson / page 3
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.